Despair

CW: If you are at all at risk of suicide, this is probably not the page for you.

I love despair. It is my favorite emotion, and I search out soulcrushing media with much more fervor than those of any other category or mood.
I do not really understand why, and this is as much a list of excuses as it is me searching for the reasons why - if I really have any at all. It will definitely continue to be expanded as I am able to find more words.

To be clear, this piece is on despair, the absence or loss of all hope. My love is for rational, true despair, where there is nothing to be done and all is or will be lost; I am not advocating for apathy or suicidal ideation (though I do believe they should be acceptable, not just understandable, choices in the case of true despair). True despair is not just an intermediary for an eventual hope, but an indefinite lingering in the knowledge that there could never be any hope. (It is not common, if even possible depending on your religion, in real life.) Where does one go from that point? How could one respond? It doesn't matter, of course. That is the premise to begin with.

Nowhere to go but Up

I mean this not in a hopeful manner, but a comforting one. "Going up" never needs to happen, and it is not looking forward to it that is a comfort. There are no risks, there are no worries. This is as low as it gets.
There is power in being able to let everything fall apart around you and respond with a shrug and "oh well." The losses have already been lost; why rail against what cannot be changed?
TODO: but how does that resolve with me loving when it manages to go even deeper? How is railing against what cannot be changed a bad thing, but dwelling in despair is enjoyable and worthwhile? (Maybe because there is nothing to be done, nowhere to go, so "throwing away one's life" means nothing and wallowing becomes acceptable in the same way I would say that apathy or suicide are?)

Stop Hiding from the Dark

To overcome suffering is not just to make it to the light at the end of the tunnel. "Overcoming" is in challenging the dark, or accepting it, or surviving it. Your time in the dark might be a stain on the tapestry of your life, but if you can manage to look, it could be a beautiful stain.

Nothing ever ends poetically,
it ends and we turn it into poetry
all that blood was never once beautiful.
It was just red.

– Ywena, knowledge comes but wisdom lingers

I can see the beauty in crafted despair on a page, and see (some may say imagine, it does not matter) it in my own previous suffering. Why should I not appreciate the beauty in a present situation? And is it so impossible for that beauty to ever help more than the despair hurts?

Giving up can also be a victory. When I first read "courage is fear walking," a section of a quote from Dr. Susan David, I interpreted it differently from how she meant. Despair is a loss of all hope, and to continue to fight an unwinnable battle is denial ("fear walking"), not courage. Overcoming suffering by accepting it can mean detaching in a Buddhist manner (Right View), knowing that happiness will come, but it can also mean recognizing that there is no happiness coming. That you were not up to the task.
I love Leilia's suicide in Maquia: When the Promised Flower Blooms. Her people were slaughtered and she was taken from here home, raped, separated from her child, and largely locked in a tower for over a decade. Her suicide is in-character and a dignified end ("I am Leilia of the Iorph. I'm strongheaded, a tomboy, a shrew. And. . . I am free."). Her attempt is thwarted, but what I love most is how she responds after deciding that she will continue living:

Goodbye! Forget all about me! I'll forget too! I won't write my days in the castle or this morning into the tapestry of my life! I'll let it be forgotten in my long, long memory! I'll leave it all behind! Yes. . . it will just be a tiny tear in the cloth!

She leaves behind the daughter she so very dearly loves, and accepts that she cannot face her past and must start anew, burning the good along with the bad. That is still a death. Her daughter who had never met her after infancy until that moment responds as follows: "Say. . . My mother is a very beautiful person."

Contrast

I would write a bit on how spending time wallowing on despair can give higher highs and appreciation for everyday life, but it would be wholly an excuse. I appreciate the despair for its own sake.

Media Suggestions

Here are my all-time favorites in "despair media" - please please please reach out if you have something to recommend that hit your core!

Injuring Eternity^(archive) (long)
- If the ponies give you cringe, please power through. It can be read fandom-blind and is my favorite literary work.
Puella Magi Madoka Magica
- Watch the series, not film 1 and 2. They barely save any runtime. If you must, though, you wouldn't miss that much (as the films barely save any runtime).
- After watching the first season, read All The Time In The World^(archive).
Maquia: When the Promised Flower Blooms
- The main despair in this is what I discussed in this piece, which is about a minute of runtime. It is a great film and I would recommend it regardless though.
Rain World
- I feel like I had a less common experience having gotten the game the year it released (long before it exploded in 2022/2023), that unfortunately others won't get. Years of scouring the world for lore pearls and Hunter-ing and then finally getting the masterpiece that Downpour is was amazing. Its stories show what I am trying to communicate more than anything else on this list.